5 'Guys' You Do NOT Want to Meet in Real Life

*Note. Picture has nothing to do with the following article.

Ahh, video games. Where even the wimpiest of people can feel like badasses with quick reflexes of the thumbs and several button presses. Where even the scariest and most dangerous of enemies can be brought down by side stepping them or just running away until a cutscene takes care of things. But what if certain enemies were to be translated into the real world? What if, you actually ran into several of them and they retained their abilities whereas you gain none? Things would probably suck depending on whose encountered, right? Yeah, most likely. We humans even had trouble with those Gremlins, and they were only 2 ft tall. How about if it was, say….

A Big Daddy (Bioshock Series)

So you’re outside walking around or driving your car, as some of you more privileged people do, when you turn the corner and, BAM!, Big Ol’ Daddy wandering about all in your way.

But you’ve seen these guys before. You know what they look like. No big deal, right? But that was fictional. In fiction, a crazy, angry guy swinging around blades attached to his arms and killing the God of Olympus is normal. Outside of the Matrix; anyone above six feet gets stared at a couple seconds longer like they’re a myth or a rare sight to behold.

A seven foot tall dude in a scuba suit and nowhere near water…that’s beyond the normal standards of weird.

I can almost hear you saying: “No worries though; because in Bioshock you had to throw the first punch, or shoot the first shot in order to piss off one of these things.” And while that was true for the ‘game’ this is the real world we’re talking about. You know, where you least you have to do to start a fight is blink in someone’s general direction?

Uhh, no, not really.

I feel like I forgot to mention something crucial about the Big Daddy…oh yeah, the GIANT, FULLY, FUNCTIONAL, DRILL ON IT’S ARM!

And god forbid that this one can also use the Rivet Gun…or worse, Plasmids.

Anyway, if you think you have a chance at besting that thing, have fun. For the rest of you, find a pretty dress, because you’re now playing the role of ’Little Sister’ a.k.a in the Big Daddy Underwater Society: “Bitch”


Tank (Left 4 Dead Series)

'Sup

It’s a zombie, you’re a human. That fact alone is all the reason a Tank needs to hate you and want you dead.
Veterans of Left 4 Dead know all too well how much of a pain in the ass one of these things can be. If you’re lucky, no one gets killed. Notice how I said ‘killed’, because getting incapacitated is guaranteed at some point. It’s like a toll to pay if you want to succeed in putting a Tank down for good.

I mean, look at that thing. Being able to stand up and run on those tiny legs should be enough of a signal that you can’t survive against one of these things in real life. Look at the arms, man. LOOK AT THEM!

Let me run down a list a things those arms can do when attached to a Tank:

-throw you half a mile

-throw a car half a mile…and still hit you

-picking up debris and throwing it at you

-giving you the worse noogie ever

And my favorite: killing you!!

Tanks are also notorious for showing up at the worst possible time, or when you least expect it. So say a prayer next time you come out of the bathroom. Tanks play dirty.

Want some advice? It’s on me: You EVER see one of these things in real life, be it up close or at a distance, you’d best crap your pants so hard you propel yourself upward and into space; because there’s no way your fragile human body can stand up to one of those Tanks.

For those of you unfortunate enough to activate “crap propulsion” (phrase owned by me from now on…and ew), frickin run, crawl up a wall or just take it like a man*

*by ‘man’ we mean “poor soul that couldn’t run fast enough”

[…Wait, “we”?]



Giant Spider (Limbo)

Ugh, who put this log here?!

Be honest, people. First time you encountered that spider and saw that big, black mass uncurl itself, you freaked out a tiny bit (if not a lot). I know I did. Yours truly promptly turned around and ran back to the left.
Normal, natural sized, spiders are already creepy, disgusting creatures. So when you enlarge one to the size of a Hummer and give it the same color palette as Batman, I think you’re screwed.

I a'int afraid of no spider.

Imagine, if you will, walking out of your front door at night to put the trash out or something and there’s this Giant Black Silhouette of a Spider just relaxing on your roof. Unlike the game, I doubt this spider will be dumb enough to step on a Bear Trap (although, why you’d have one at the ready is beyond me).

Real spiders are a pain in the ass to kill as it is. Let me guess how your typical run in with a spider plays out:

-sees spider, “Oh s#!t a spider!”

-leaves to get a spider smearing weapon

-comes back and looks at the spider’s location

-spider is gone

-[insert profanity here]

-go back to doing your business while scanning the area for the spider

Is that pretty spot on? Or at least close enough? Thought so.

You’d better hope that works in reverse, or a plane falls out of the sky.

Killing the spider of course, not you. (I figured I should clear that up)


Master Hand (Super Smash Bros. Series)

Obvious – It’s a giant god damn hand!

Master Hand’s entire reason for fighting you in Smash Bros. is unknown other than the fact that he’s a final boss (depending on how good you are). He also shoots missiles from his fingers, smacks you off the stage, charges you from the background, grabs you and squeezes you to death, and probably two or three other things that I can’t remember at the moment.

So Basically, Master Hand is the severed hand of a magical giant pimp; and pimps, ladies and gentlemen, do exist. Master Hand fits perfectly into the real world, more specifically, New York, because New York is always getting attacked by weird stuff. (I.E, Cloverfield)

Did I forget to mention that there’s a chance that Master Hand will double team you? Yeah, pimps do that too (I think). Pimps do that, right? Well if they do then the possibility of Crazy Hand showing up fits into my magical pimp theory quite nicely.

(Or they both belong to a Big Daddy…wait.)

Best advice I can give when it comes to Master Hand: try to trick him into an infinite game of Rock, Paper, Scissors, hope you keep tying and that he (it?) doesn’t cheat.

Advice for Master and Crazy Hand: try your hardest to pull off that Tom & Jerry joke where everyone shakes each other’s hand and pray they both fall for it.

Special advice for those close to Washington D.C: Washington Monument.

Old joke, I know

Berserker (Gears of War Series)

Hug Me!!

Hide and Go seek for the extremely stupid.

Berserkers are big, diesel looking…things  that can put the Kool-Aid Man to shame when it comes to wall busting, then proceed to murder said Kool-Aid Man.

Oh no, my friend...oh...no.

Actually, I think I understand why Berserkers are always crashing through things. It’s because you’ll shout out ‘Holy $#!%’ or ‘What the f—k’ so loud that it’ll never have to guess where you are from that point forward.

It’ll have your breathing, your very lungs memorized.

Now, I’m pretty sure I know what you guys are thinking (well those of you that actually played the Gears of War Games), “as long as I keep quiet, I’ll be just fine.” Which is true, but I guarantee you that while you’re doing your ninja thing, your phone will start ringing; because you know: it had to be this one time that it’s not on vibrate and someone’s seriously calling you.

And you want to know who it’ll be calling you and becoming an accomplice to murder? One of your friends who’s in an argument with one of their friends over which one is better, Cake or Pie.

In this situation though, you answer should be, “LIFE!!” Or just, you know, don’t take the time to answer. (Provided you’re still alive to have that logical thought).